Don't let go, bitches, or I'm keeping the dammed bouquet!!

You know what!? Weddings are for losers who can’t shack it on their own.

No scratch that. It’s husbands that we don’t need. That was made abundantly clear to me last night as David Patrick “Mosquito” Tetley walked out on me after being a total jerk.

So I figured why do we even need a groom at weddings? Guys don’t care! Now if there was Nintendo it would be different.

Weddings are for/by/and about the ladies. Am I right? We consider ourselves lucky if the dude even bothers showing up!

When I think of the things I wouldn’t get married without, a man isn’t even on the list!

So here’s my idea! All the stuff that a wedding is for; dresses, food, champagne, friends in dresses that are uglier than yours, getting your hair done, flowers… JUST NO MEN!

Cause if it’s your day, why share the spotlight, am I right ladies?

Holla!

Crushing It! Canada’s #1 Twitter Comedy

Oh yeah, so me

This one rawks like Van Halen still does when the groupie shows up.

For sure gonna add the dress to my wish list, if only my skeleton could go down the aisle without my in real life flesh. Seriously, give this chick a burger or something! Okay, she’s thin and I hate her, but I’ll have the burger for myself, thanks plenty.

But then scroll down to the bottom… keep scrolling… keep scrolling… keep scrolling…

Past the one where they made Kate Moss’ skinnier sister look like she’s preggers…

Keep scrolling…

There!

OMG,SEROIUSLY!

Do you have this one in black?

Bespoke vest & pants, tuxedo shirt with eccentric French cuffs

No, SERIOULY!? On the day that every woman spends her whole life dreaming about? The day that defines her as a woman for the next rest of her life… and you want people to wonder if they’re on the wrong side of the church? “Oh wait, I thought I was sitting on the bride’s side. No wait, that is the bride!”

HA HA HA!

And the best part… (sorry, ROTFLMGO!) is where it says…

And there is nothing sexier than a woman in men’s tailoring.

HA HA HA! I can’t even keep going…

Crushing It! Canada’s #1 Twitter Comedy

But that don’t stop a gal from dreaming? I mean, if Lady Gaga can have a massive hate on for pants and still get to date a hawty named Speedy I can plan/obsess/drewl over my wedding!

And plus, it’ll give my sisters something to scream about when they open their Facebook in the morning. lol. Did I mention there’s not actually gonna be a wedding?

And no, I won’t be having robots on my cake. Even thought they are super cute. Pew! Pew pew! (Laser noises, btw.)

And just for the record, I’ll be the first one out the door if my day’s anything like this…